Following and Abiding

… because He said to

I Knew What I Was Getting Into

I often dislike who I am. I know God has great vision for my life and that I rarely live up to it. I fail over and over and over.

And over.

And He tells me…

I knew what I was getting into when I called you.

Surely I must disappoint him.

I knew what I was getting into when I said your name but I said it just the same.

I have whole chunks of my life when I hate who I am.

You hem me in, behind and before. You have laid your hand upon me. Psalms 139

I knew what I was getting into and I still like you.

I knew what I was getting into and I still chose you.

I have a 13-year-old son who never surprises me. He requires only light discipline and never needs punishment. He is a joy to parent, never takes risks, never argues with me, never sasses me, never disrespects me.

Last night he shocked me.

He told us a story about something he did when he was six. It began with an MP3 player, a wire and a light socket and ended with a popping sound and flash of colors. I couldn’t have been more astonished if he told me he grew wings and could fly. Who is this kid?

And I am not shocked by your weakness.
And I am not shocked even by your sin.
And I am not shocked by your brokenness.

He breaks my chains and I miss them so much that I scramble to grab them.

He breaks my chains and I snatch them back up and cling to them.

The cycle is humiliating.

Only I can see the end from the beginning.
And only I can see where this is going.

I think I know everything about me. I try to hide the ugly parts.

Oh Lord, you have searched me and you know me. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely. Psalms 139

And I see in you the seeds of love.
And I see in you strength when all you see is your failure and all you feel is ashamed.
I can see deeper than that.
I know you better than that.

I’ve been married to John for almost 15 years. I’ve heard all the stories over and over. A few days ago he shared a memory with the kids that I’ve never heard. A piece of my husband that I’ve never known. It felt odd.

I knew what I was getting into.

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